You go to your man/boyfriend/that-guy-you’re-currently-with’s place, as you walk through the door, you are greeted by his best friend, who is nonchalantly watching TV and seems to be generally unperturbed in his surroundings. You have been here countless times before, and naturally, you do not need to be directed as you know your way around, so you head straight to the bedroom.
Before you enter, you remind yourself why you came here in the first place. You and your man/boyfriend/that-guy-you’re-currently-with had a fight early this morning and you have decided that you need to apologise because you feel you were in the wrong.
As you reach out to open the door – keeping in mind how long it took you to accept that you would have to apologise and swallow that slight bit of humiliation that apologies normally bring with them (I believe this may be the reason you hate apologizing) – you take a deep breath and turn the handle (wait, why was it closed in the first place?). What greets you is not your man/boyfriend/that-guy-you’re-currently-with sitting at his computer by himself or sleeping, but rather, it is your man/boyfriend/that-guy-you’re-currently-with, with another woman/heffer/that-girl-with-the-unkempt-weave, yea…the one you don’t like. You have been cheated on.
I was the man who cheated on you, in fact, exactly as it has been written above*. I am, however, not the only man who has cheated, in fact, according to statistics, a lot of men have. Your man might be cheating on your right now. Why do we as men cheat? This is the questino that has plagued man a man, but it has yet to stop us from actuallly doing the dirty deed, in fact, what it has done is to encourage men to come with ever-more creative and incredible ways to hide, explain and justify why we do it. My personal favourite is:
“It’s biology, women make one egg per month. I, as a man, make millions of sperm! Clearly my job is to fertilize. I’m like compost.”
There are any number of various other excuses, such as the survivalist angle**, the philanthropist*** and the age old African favourite, its tradition****. These reasons may all have their strong points if argued masterfully enough, but in truth, it’s all nonsense. To prove that it is all nonsense, just watch how vociferously a man will jump out in defense of his mother if it is even suggested that she is being cheated on. What is clear is that as men, we know that cheating is wrong, yet knowing and acting on that knowledge are two very different things. I am not saying that it cannot be done, what I am saying is that for a lot of men, we do not want to do it and the question is why?
I have tried to practice being a one-woman man and I have only succeeded for a few months at a time, that was it, but never for a prolonged period of time. Whilst I have comforted myself with these attempts, the core issue has not been resolved and whilst this is slightly frustrating to me, this must be incredibly infuriating to the women I date, because as we (men) grapple with the inability to control our penises, women continue to be heartbroken day in and day out.
In my dishonourable opinion, this is what has led to women returning the favour, they are cheating on us and the scary thing is, that they are so much better at it than men. No woman would ever have been caught like I was, not a chance. Women are subtle, men are crass. Men have skeletons in their closets; Women have them in the Reserve Bank’s safes. If men knew, or rather, if I knew how to be happy with myself and with the woman I’m with when I have her, maybe I wouldn’t cheat, maybe. There is no guarantee.
The girl who caught me in that room, didn’t leave me though, she stuck with me, we dated for three years. She did dump me eventually. I do wonder if there’s a connection there somewhere. Hmmm…
“You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do…is be there. Where? There! Wherever he’s thinking about f***ing, that’s it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He’s like, ‘Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go f**k this b*tch right now!'” – Chris Rock
* I was just lying with the girl on the bed, so I wasn’t technically cheating, that being said, if she had walked in 15 minutes later…I would have been. On a side note, I still blame my friend for getting me cuaght; he should’ve never let her in the house. I am not disgusting.
** The survivalist angle: I am here to pro-create, since you can only have one child at a time, I must venture out and find other people that can help.
*** The philanthropist: There are more women than men in the world, I’m just doing my part.
**** Tradition: This is just another way of saying Polygamy, usually captioned by “If my president can do it, why can’t I…I also have a shower!”